I have a confession to make…

I have been posting a week after what’s actually been happening. I had my transfer on May 26, and beta on June 5th. I was trying to read into stupid things like a winery I discovered last year is out of the wine I wanted, so that must mean that I’m pregnant since I can’t drink. Or, Kim Kardashian is sharing her infertility struggle with the world, plus she’s pregnant now, so that MUST be a sign.  I’ve made it through my TWW without spotting like last time, so that must be a sign. My boobs still hurt, that must be a sign.It’s been a week since I found out my beta was only 2. I signed up to get my results online, so I had been checking the page all day for my results. The clinic called me around 3:30 to say they haven’t received my results yet, but keep going with my meds. They will call me the next day. When I checked the lab website a few minutes later, there it was. A lowly 2.

I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t going to work. The embryo was 4BB, compared to our fresh 2AB. Our remaining embryo is 4B-B-. When I met with my RE after the failed cycle, he said the quality rating doesn’t determine the outcome. But I don’t know if I believe him. We’ll go through with another FET and transfer the last embryo, but then what? I don’t think this last embryo will work either.

In terms of how I’m feeling, I’m ok I guess. Last Sunday, two days after I got the news, we went to DH’s co-worker’s home for a BBQ. What DH forgot to mention was that it was a birthday party for one year old twins! It wasn’t a big deal that it was a kids birthday, but what made it so much worse was that there were THREE pregnant women. THREE!!!!! The host’s dad joked that they should’ve invited a midwife just in case. The host’s mom joked that pregnancy is an epidemic. So HILARIOUS!!

I wanted to leave pretty quick, but some of DH’s other coworkers showed up, so we just hung out with them. I ended up having a good time relative to what I was feeling.

Since I got back to work, things have been normal. Sitting at home definitely made it worse. I just sat there watched TV, bored, and wallowed in self-pity. At least when I’m at work, I have things to focus on.

My period has started, I have gone for my baseline, and I’m back on estrogen. Based on our schedule, I don’t think we would be able to do another fresh cycle until September.

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