How much do you reveal?

Googly Gooeys Keeping SecretsDH went his for his HR meeting at his new workplace last week, and also met with the manager. He’s so excited about the new opportunity. He came home and told me the owner had asked about me! I said why would he ask about me? That’s so random. So he told me that when he had gone for his first HR meeting, he had told them that he needs time off to go to doctor appointments because we are trying to have a baby.

I was quite taken aback that he had told them about our fertility issues. It took me weeks, if not months to tell my close family, and I definitely have not told any of my clients/employers. I don’t even tell them that we are trying to have a baby, let alone IVF!

I’m not sure how much he told them, but it turns out that the owner of the business, also went through IVF. They had two children through IVF, and the third was a surprise! He also told DH that if I ever need anyone to talk to, his wife would be more than happy to talk with me. On top of that, he gave DH a breakdown of what to expect from the 3 main fertility clinics in town. What he said about our first clinic was spot on. SELL SELL SELL was their first priority, and that’s exactly what we got.

He said the clinic we’re going to now is probably the best. While they’re still a for-profit business, they’re not going to sell us something we don’t need. I’m so relieved to hear this. I think this conversation with DH, put him more at ease at his urology consult.

I’m grateful that DH told his employer, we’re lucky that they’re so understanding. I’m still hesitant about telling people though, especially in the workplace. I tried to explain that there are different perceptions for women who are TTC in a workplace, but he doesn’t seem to understand.

Did you tell your employer?

27 thoughts on “How much do you reveal?

  1. We did tell our employers–DH called in a personal day when we found out about his azoospermia and needed to be with me. Didn’t give too many specifics, but I find that the men that DH worked with were often more understanding than some of our family and said nicer, more supportive things.


    • Thanks for sharing your experience Melanie! The friends and one cousin I’ve told have been supportive. My family, parents, and a few aunts and uncles (who are all doctors, and one’s a OB/GYN) know, but they don’t ask, and I don’t tell them.


  2. Just this afternoon I had a job interview and I told them flat out that we’re in the process of adoption. They have been pursuing me for a while.To take this job would mean going from working at home to working at hour away for significantly more money. I was honest because I need them to know that having a good work/life balance is important for me and I need to work somewhere that is going to be flexible and understanding. She was honest in saying that there really wouldn’t be much flexibility, and as much as they want me to work there I need to do what’s best for me, and they understood.

    My own employer knows about my miscarriages and they have been overwhelmingly flexible with me. They gave me a month off last year after loss #3 and paid me for it. I work for all men in a very male-driven industry. I was intimidated to be honest at first but they have been so understanding throughout the entire process.

    That’s so great that your husband is going to be surrounded by people that support the path you’re on!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing your story! I guess I need to give men more credit! It’s good to know about how flexible a potential employer is. You would end up stressing out if you need to decide between work or family. It’s definitely something I need to think about when we start our cycle.

      Good luck with the adoption process!!


  3. When I got a new boss, who’s a real talker, he was telling me about his family and how they were lucky to have #1 based on his issues and had to do IVF for #2. I was shocked he told me. I took that as a signed and let him know that I was about the head into IVF #2. He ended up gifting me half my time off so I only needed to use a few holidays 🙂


  4. My story is similar to those above. My office is male dominated as well and although they don’t know the details they are aware we are TTC. They have been very good about not worrying about how long any appointments take me.


  5. My office is also male dominated. I ended up telling my boss when we were doing IUIs as I started getting some meeting conflicts. It worked out having him know in advance when we decided to switch clinics and go out of province for IVF. They have been super supportive and very understanding.


  6. I work for a larger corp company so HR is aware and I’m allowed to take whatever time off I want. DH on the other hand doesn’t but when we were going through IVF they allowed him to switch his schedule around so he could come to the appts with me. You would be surprised on how many employers seem to care about IF. As for our family, everyone knows but no one ask just my mom.


    • Thanks Jojo. I currently work “at” a gov’t corporation. I say at, and not “for” because I’m a contractor. I don’t even have a telephone at my desk because that’s the policy. I do know that the company’s benefits plan covers fertility drugs, so I would assume they are pretty good with this stuff. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a permanent position soon.


  7. I agree with the majority here though I work in a female dominated office. Since I am five years into the journey, when I got this position a year ago…I knew it would be best for me if I told my manager at least the overall deal. There’s just a lot of appointments and emotional roller coaster stuff that I wanted to avoid questions on later. Yes, technically I can keep taking off for “appointments” and “personal matters” without explanations but having done that before…I know eventually I would get the concerned “Are you all right?” question. With my luck it would happen on CD1 and I would just blurt out everything in a hysterical sob lol Seriously though, I’m no open book so it took me awhile to come to this decision. I’m glad I did though. I’m a private person but not ashamed of my infertility and because of the effect it has on my life, its not something I can really hide anyway. I mean I can but I just got exhausted of trying to “keep it to myself” and of having coworkers looking at me as if I had this big dark secret with all these “appointments” to go to. So now, I’m just open about it. I tell my manager like I would if I was taking intermittent leave with anything else.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My DH did the same thing during my ectopic. Turns out his boss (and wife) went through 3 themselves before having their baby. His boss was very supportive and gave him all the time he needed. His boss even sent me flowers after my surgery! As for me, I’m self employed. But I’m not announcing things to my clients. A few know but they took guesses and I trust them.

    I think from our (women’s) standpoint it’s a little more personal in that it directly affects us more. If we have a loss or surgery or a baby we are the ones physically out longer as well as usually emotionally out longer. We are the ones who have been discriminated against most and even been fired for TTC or having a baby. Of course we would and in some cases should be a little guarded.

    But as you and I found out when we open up sometimes there is much love and support for us. Like in this online community <3.


    • That’s so sweet of your DH’s boss! I agree with you, we are the ones that are physically bound by what happens, and history hasn’t been fair to women.

      I’m so grateful to have found this community. I feel like I’ve built some true relationships here.


  9. I have never told my employer anything. I have heard negative (ignorant) comments about others in my office doing treatments, so it has made me extremely cautious. I’m sure some at my job have a very good idea of what I am up to when I am out. Regardless, they have been great at letting me take sick days for retrievals, transfers, bed rest, etc. I just always have told them I have a medical procedure scheduled for this day and will need this much time off. They have been great and I haven’t gotten too many questions asking if I was ok or dying 🙂


    • It’s nice when co-workers give you privacy. I’m just afraid if I reveal too much, I would just start bawling, and people would act weird afterwards. It’s a hard situation for us, and most other people don’t know how to handle “us”.


  10. Wow, that’s great!! My husband hasn’t/and won’t ever tell his employer, he doesn’t think they need to know. I told my work a few months back, just felt like they needed to know why I had so many doctors appointments, they were really supportive.


  11. I too work in a male-dominated industry. I told my direct (Indian) boss, only after my second failed IVF. I figured it was time. He was very nice about it, but totally ignorant. He did say to me that I shouldn’t be worried, to let him know if I needed to work from home and that they wouldn’t schedule morning meetings for me, but to be honest, he is a new boss and I don’t know if I can really take it that he won’t penalise me anyway, esp at the end of the year. He also asked if we (ooh) should tell the bigger boss but I felt like it was phrased as- he was going to use that information within management. I did wind up mentioning this to the bigger boss, who physically cringed (subtle, but I saw it) and quickly changed the topic. Otherwise, the male colleagues have been really nice, some have told me about their own fertility issues (primarily natural miscarraiges) but oddly, the women, who are all pregnant this year, have clammed up and didn’t even tell me about their pregnancies (so I assume they know, they just don’t know what to say). My takeaway is that as long as they are aware and considerate around work issues – (hey, I will be taking less leave than women on maternity!) I don’t need them to be reliable support.


    • Thanks for sharing your story Weylin. It’s an interesting perspective. I think because women are more aware of emotions, they tend to avoid it altogether to get out of awkward situations. I’ve bene very surprised by everyone’s comments that it is the men who are stepping up and sharing their experiences.


  12. Pingback: New Job, New Perspective! | Baby, Are you Coming?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s