I can’t…

DH didn’t go to work again, so that’s two days in a row of calling in sick. I know he’s been struggling, and he needed to make a decision on what he wanted to do. So he’s decided to quit his job flat out. I wanted him to take short-term disability instead of quitting his job. But he just won’t. He’s too afraid of what people will think. He’s too proud to claim he has a disability. This really frustrates me because it feels like he didn’t listen to what I said at all. He had a chat with his parents today, and his mom doesn’t think he should take disability, so his mind was made.Sadness

I’m happy that he’s made a decision. He seemed a lot happier when I got home from work. Maybe he seemed happier because he saw that I was in a bad mood. It was an emotional day. My temp dropped this morning, so I knew AF was coming. I’m not surprised, or disappointed. How can I be when DH’s semen has zero motility. You can’t get pregnant if the sperm can’t swim to the egg.

My mom lives overseas, and she had sent me an email a couple days ago telling me that she’s here for me if I needed her. This means a lot, especially coming from a Chinese family where emotions are never discussed. I finally got the courage to reply to her this morning (while I was at work- bad idea). I told her all about DH’s depression, and everything else that’s been going on. I started crying as I wrote down everything that was going on. She replied a few hours later, and the waterworks started again. As I drove home, I cried again. I don’t know if I’m upset because I miss my mom, or because of our IF, or because DH is quitting his job. Maybe it’s a combination of everything.

When I got home, I couldn’t even look at DH, or talk to him. I didn’t want him to touch me. I just felt so annoyed about how he’s handling his career. I guess I should have more faith in him that he knows what he’s doing. But it’s hard not to worry when this would be the third time he’s EVER had to look for a job. He was at the same job for over 14 years, then at this job for 8 months. He doesn’t understand what the job market is like, especially because he’s looking to change careers.

I sound like an unsupportive wife – again. But I write my raw feelings here so I don’t burden him with my feelings, and add to his anxiety. It may not be the right thing to do, but it’s the only way I can manage right now.

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11 thoughts on “I can’t…

  1. Hey, it sounds like you had a very bad day after a run of bad days. I can relate to how challenging it is to struggle with male factor infertility. My husband and I have each had days where we’re depressed and sad. I’ve probably had more than he has. I hope your husband is able to turn this thing around – there’s still so much hope. Hang in there.

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  2. I think it is perfectly ok to let out your feelings. I mean it sounds like you have a ton going on all at the same time and when things all clash it probably seems like there is no way out. Hopefully just the right job will come along for your hubby that he will be excited about 🙂

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  3. You are your husband are going through so much right now… I’m praying for you! Thank you for being honest and sharing your heart. Sometimes that helps me to personally get through the trials in life.

    Through this journey of infertility, I have had a hard time relating with my husband because we express our emotions so differently. I feel like he doesn’t care about us not being pregnant, or easily blows it off, and yet he is struggling on the inside but it takes a while for him to actually share it. It’s such a battle. This is the last week of my cycle and I’m finding my hormones are making me such a downer. I try not to drag my husband down along with me, but WOW… hormones are necessary but so lame sometimes!

    Praying for your marriage and for a job opening for your hubby!

    Amy @ http://livinglifetruth.blogspot.com/

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    • Thank you for your prayers Amy! My hubs definitely keeps his feelings in too. I know he wants children, but I don’t know how hard he’s taking the infertility, especially because we’re dealing with male factor IF.

      Praying for your success in getting pregnant!! xo

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