The Internet is my Infertility Frenemy

Before we even started TTC (or even married!), my SIL gave me her copy of Taking Charge Of Your Fertility. I read that book cover to cover in a couple days, and that’s when I started tracking my cycles. I was just doing it for fun at first, but quickly became obsessed with tracking my temperature, cervical mucus, and eventually my cervix.Dr. Google

I knew something was wrong when I didn’t have the crucial EWCM (egg white cervical mucus). I wanted to know why I didn’t have EWCM, so off to Dr. Google I went. Eventually, I attributed my lack of EWCM to taking the pill for 12 years. I was angry at myself for doing that. I told myself that I should have stopped taking BCP earlier. I looked for solutions, and treatment options to improve my EWCM, you can see everything I’ve tried here. I also knew that my cycle was too long, and based on my data, I was ovulating too late. Again, I went to see Dr. Google for info on how to move up my ovulations. Here is a list of everything I tried.

It was disheartening when none of these remedies did the trick. I was jealous that other women had such great success. I was still very open about talking about the challenges we were facing then. I didn’t think it was that serious, and my body would eventually straighten itself out. I was on BCP for 12 years after all!

However, as we went for more testing, and the bad diagnoses started rolling in, the fun nature of finding out how to fix ourselves began to turn into disappointment and fear. I’ve read about the success stories of getting pregnant on the first round of IVF, but there are also the couples who have tried multiple rounds with no success. I love watching pregnancy update videos on YouTube. I wished that was me. The success stories give me a lot of hope, but the unsuccessful journeys instills fear and doubt. What is our journey going to be like?

The more serious our IF became, the less open I became about our TTC. Before we were married, when people asked when we were going to have kids, I said “right away!” with no hesitation. As time progressed, I switched to “we’re working on it”, and now, I just say”eventually”. I want people to talk more about infertility, and how difficult it is, but at the same time, I don’t want the attention to be on me. I think it’s particularly difficult because it is DH’s health that’s making it challenging. If it was my health, I don’t think I would have a problem with talking about it with friends and family.

I’ve felt a little better since I started this blog. I am hiding behind my screen, but I can write frankly, and get support. I do struggle with how much I want to reveal about myself. I want to open up and share my life, but I work as a freelancer, so I don’t really want potential employers to Google my name and find out what we’ve been going through. Even though employers can’t fire me for going through IVF, I think potential employers would choose someone else just because they could “lose me” to pregnancy at any time.

I feel like I’m getting to know some of you personally through your blogs. It’s great to see that we’re not alone in this battle.

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19 thoughts on “The Internet is my Infertility Frenemy

  1. I to learned Google is my frenemy. I struggle talking to people about our situation. It is I that have the issues. We have not gotten to any treatment aspect yet. I have learned to be slightly more open with our families although none of them thankfully really understand. I do not feel alone thanks to everyone and their blogs and kind words. Praying for you and your journey

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    • It’s hard to talk about infertility. Everyone just assumes you can get pregnant easily, and when you tell them that you can’t, the conversation usually stops. We haven’t moved forward in our treatment yet, but we have met with a fertility doctor for a consultation.

      I will keep you in my prayers!

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  2. You said, “I want people to talk more about infertility, and how difficult it is, but at the same time, I don’t want the attention to be on me.” and I feel exactly the same way but I have never been able to put it into words. You are not alone 🙂

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      • I totally understand how you feel! For a long time I was so worried about talking about our journey and how hard it was. If someone brought it up I would just say “I have good days and bad days, and today is…(enter good or bad depending how you feel)’. It’s not a fool proof strategy but it worked in most cases. And I was always surprised when I was able to get through a conversation without crying.

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  3. One of the things that’s hard about the idea of being open about infertility is that people often don’t ask at the best time. If I’m with a large group of people, a pregnant woman or holding a baby in my arms, then that is REALLY bad timing. The other thing that I’ve found is that if people are insensitive enough to ask about why I don’t have children or when I’m going to have them (both questions that I consider pointless and insensitive. No one can know that answer!) then they’ll also be more likely to make insensitive comments of platitudes.
    I recently started blogging and have been sharing the blog with real life people. It feels so freeing to have started to share what it’s like when people say platitudes and to ask people to reconsider how they respond. Blogging is an exciting journey. Glad to have found yours today!

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    • Hi Rachel!

      I can’t wait to get to know you better through your blog. Blogging is my therapy. Whenever I get asked when we’re having kids, I just try to brush it off saying it’ll happen when it happens. It’s hard sometimes because I was so vocal about having children right away before we were married. So some of our friends who remember me saying that would ask about it. I just try to say things are too busy in our lives right now. Little do they know what we’re actually going through. I hate having to lie to them, but sometimes, it’s just so much easier.

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  4. I’m so glad you linked up on my blog hop. I think that blogging and connecting with other women will help you feel less alone. I know it has for me. I started off completely anonymous on my blog, too. Reveal what you’re comfortable with, and don’t feel pressured to share too much if you’re not ready yet. xx

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    • Thanks Lisa! I’ve found so many great bloggers through your blog. It’s good to know that you started off anonymous too. I’m starting to get more comfortable. I think it’s just a matter of time before the big reveal! lol

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  5. I am so sorry with all you have been going through! Blogging is such a great way to be able to share your feelings and get such amazing support! Sending you a big hug and thinking of you!

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  6. I completely understand not wanting the spotlight on you. Although I am an open book about our struggle people still tend to say the wrong things. I just learned to brush it off and smile.

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    • I was meeting some girlfriends this morning who I haven’t seen in a while, one has a beautiful 3 month old. I found myself trying to predict what our conversations would be like when I was getting ready. Were they going to ask when we’re going to have children, and what would I tell them? Would I spill my guts, or just brush it off?

      To my relief, our TTC never came up. I guess I just gotta realize that it’s not always about me! lol

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