Before we even started TTC (or even married!), my SIL gave me her copy of Taking Charge Of Your Fertility. I read that book cover to cover in a couple days, and that’s when I started tracking my cycles. I was just doing it for fun at first, but quickly became obsessed with tracking my temperature, cervical mucus, and eventually my cervix.
I knew something was wrong when I didn’t have the crucial EWCM (egg white cervical mucus). I wanted to know why I didn’t have EWCM, so off to Dr. Google I went. Eventually, I attributed my lack of EWCM to taking the pill for 12 years. I was angry at myself for doing that. I told myself that I should have stopped taking BCP earlier. I looked for solutions, and treatment options to improve my EWCM, you can see everything I’ve tried here. I also knew that my cycle was too long, and based on my data, I was ovulating too late. Again, I went to see Dr. Google for info on how to move up my ovulations. Here is a list of everything I tried.
It was disheartening when none of these remedies did the trick. I was jealous that other women had such great success. I was still very open about talking about the challenges we were facing then. I didn’t think it was that serious, and my body would eventually straighten itself out. I was on BCP for 12 years after all!
However, as we went for more testing, and the bad diagnoses started rolling in, the fun nature of finding out how to fix ourselves began to turn into disappointment and fear. I’ve read about the success stories of getting pregnant on the first round of IVF, but there are also the couples who have tried multiple rounds with no success. I love watching pregnancy update videos on YouTube. I wished that was me. The success stories give me a lot of hope, but the unsuccessful journeys instills fear and doubt. What is our journey going to be like?
The more serious our IF became, the less open I became about our TTC. Before we were married, when people asked when we were going to have kids, I said “right away!” with no hesitation. As time progressed, I switched to “we’re working on it”, and now, I just say”eventually”. I want people to talk more about infertility, and how difficult it is, but at the same time, I don’t want the attention to be on me. I think it’s particularly difficult because it is DH’s health that’s making it challenging. If it was my health, I don’t think I would have a problem with talking about it with friends and family.
I’ve felt a little better since I started this blog. I am hiding behind my screen, but I can write frankly, and get support. I do struggle with how much I want to reveal about myself. I want to open up and share my life, but I work as a freelancer, so I don’t really want potential employers to Google my name and find out what we’ve been going through. Even though employers can’t fire me for going through IVF, I think potential employers would choose someone else just because they could “lose me” to pregnancy at any time.
I feel like I’m getting to know some of you personally through your blogs. It’s great to see that we’re not alone in this battle.