The only thing I can do is think of a funny title. It’s been a little over a week since my world has come crashing down. As you know, DH has an extremely low sperm count. I was beginning to be comfortable with that. He still has sperm, so IVF is an option. It will be a very trying, and expensive process, but it is still an option.
Then, last Monday happened…
DH has been really stressed, and exhausted the last few months. He started a new job at the beginning of the year, and it’s been hard for him to not be the big fish in a small pond anymore. He was so excited to start this new job, he had nothing but positive, and grand things to say about his new employer…before he even started to work.
As the months went on, he’s realized that this new employer wasn’t all he thought it would be. There are still the same challenges he faced at his old work, and there are people with similar work ethics as his old work, which was why he wanted to leave in the first place. He was also being told off by his manager that he wasn’t performing up to par, but oh, don’t worry about the metrics.
All this was weighing on him, on top of his SA results, our experience with the fertility doctor, and his experience with the urologist. He has been having a lot of trouble focusing at work. He’s even admitted that he’s so distracted with worries that he can’t carry a conversation. During dinner, I see him gaze off, and I know he’s worrying about something. The worrying has gone so far that it’s affecting his work, he has nightmares, and can’t sleep.
Last Monday, DH was told off by his manager again. He messaged me and said he couldn’t do it anymore. He can’t take the stress. He asked if he should tell his manager about the stress, and pressure he’s been feeling, and I told him absolutely! However, he was so scared that he would cause a scene, that he couldn’t bring himself to go to his manager’s office. He felt that everyone would stare at him, and if he told his manager about what he’s going through, that his co-workers would judge him. I felt so helpless. He wanted to leave work, but he couldn’t, and there wasn’t anything I could do for him.
He made it through the workday, and when he got home we had a long talk. I had a feeling that he has depression, but he denied it. He just said he has really bad anxiety. We’ve been trying to manage his anxiety for a couple months through Chinese medicine, and acupuncture. Our talk helped him. He didn’t want to see our doctor, but he did agree to speak with our priest who battled depression. I was really surprised he wanted to speak with him. I attend church regularly, but DH never comes with me. For him to agree to speak with our priest, I knew he was really struggling.
Before DH went in to speak with our priest, he got a phone call from our fertility doctor. DH had done a genetics test when he saw the urologist. The results were back. It is not good. DH has a paracentric inversion on chromosome 1. Our fertility doctor said it’s likely that IVF will not even work for us. The more I researched what this meant, the more my heart sank. Chromosome 1 is the DNA’s largest chromosome. I did some quick reading, and essentially, this defect will cause miscarriage, and if the pregnancy is successful, it could cause extreme mental retardation.
WHAT ELSE CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
DH had a good meeting with our priest. I don’t know what they talked about, but DH made an appointment with our doctor that same day. Our doctor diagnosed him with depression, gave him a prescription for a mild antidepressant, and a referral to a psychologist.
I filled the prescription for him, and now he’s taking it daily. It’s been a week, but he still hasn’t made an appointment with the psychologist. I want to make the appointment for him, but I don’t want to overstep. I want him to get better so we can keep going on our TTC journey, but at the same time, I don’t want to force it on him.
I’m completely defeated. I can’t tell DH how I truly feel with his newest fertility diagnosis because I don’t want his depression to worsen. I cry every day when I drive alone. My closest friends know what’s going on, but they don’t understand what it feels like. I feel my sole purpose in life was to be a mother, and now that doesn’t even seem like a possibility.
Our first wedding anniversary is coming up this week. Looking back on our first year of marriage, there had been some good times, but it was mostly a blackhole of sadness, and tears.